I have just realised that confrontation is my problem. The minute I feel I am being threatened emotionally by someone who I care about or who cares about me, I shut up like a clam and sit with my mouth popping open and closed like a goldfish, tears or frustration welling up in my eyes while my mind runs circuts around my brain screaming like a steam train.
what do i say? how do i say it? what's the right tone to use? how should i order my words? what if i make it worse? what if im not coming across right? why cant i speak? say it now! SAY IT!!!
....poppopopopop....
Nothing.....
My mind goes again....
Fuck! why cant I speak dammit! why is this happening to me? is it because my mum always used to tell me to shut up whenever i spoke back to her in an argument? is it because it was easier for me to keep quiet and forget? why does it only happen with people i care about?? why? why! Say something....he's sitting there waiting for you to speak...say something! what did he ask though? what is the right answer? i want to make it right. what must i saaaaay!?
It's exhausting and it's a personal problem I have no clue how to fix. Eventually exasperation presides and the tears fall. not because anyone hurt me, but because i couldn't stop myself from hurting him. It's the most despairing feeling to have, to watch yourself hurt the ones you love, when all they want you to do is say something.
How do I stop this? It's no-one's fault but mine. I dont want to blame anyone for it...i just want it to go away because then I can forget it.
I keep trying to make up for my lack of verbosity by trying to get my meaning across with body language and actions...but I seem to fail even in this. I come across as if I dont care, but i do! I just try to be tentative...cautious...i kiss a little to show how much i love alot, i hold your hand to tell you how much you mean the world to me, i slip you a secret smile to let you know im thinking of you. How can i expect you to see thing thats i keep trying to hide? I just hope you'll see my smile, feel the love from my kisses, get warm from the touch of my hand...
But thats not how the world works. I live in my own head of fatasism...where you can feel what I feel right down to my thoughts on the weather. It's unrealistic of me to expect things like that...
This is not an apology. This is not my explanation of whats going on in my head.
It's just me, trying to dust out my own closet so you dont have to deal with my skeletons. Because I dont want you to struggle with that aswell. You do so much already and I know you probably dont see my way of saying how much I appreciate you and everything you do for me. But I do. I do more than anything!
I love you.
No comments:
Post a Comment